I have recently escaped from my post-graduate programme of study. By escaped, I mean left without the post-graduate degree. For many people who know me (and certainly for my research supervisor), this seems a bizarre and somewhat unexpected decision. I am someone who seems to fit in in academia, but in reality I have been thinking about leaving for quite some time.
There are numerous reasons for having done so and I will admit that many "post-academic" blogs contributed to my decision to leave my degree programme. One of the main reasons is that I wanted to earn a living. I am tired of living off others. I had a scholarship but the stipend was in no way something which anyone could live off and the part-time jobs I took on to try and support myself often ate into the time I was supposed to be working on my thesis.
I got tired of being asked when I was going to get a "real job" and when I was going to stop studying and what on earth I was going to do with my degree. I got tired of not feeling like a "real adult" because I was not financially self-sufficient and spent my days in an "unrealistic" academic environment (more on this here and here). I felt (and still feel) left behind by my friends who have been working for years. It became exhausting trying to explain what I did to well-meaning strangers and dealing with the inevitable follow-on questions (which any student of the humanities is familiar with) like "What are you going to do with that?" and always, always, "So,
you're going to teach?". The irony is that the part-time jobs I am
using to keep myself afloat involve teaching. And I happen to enjoy
teaching. But there are other jobs I am interested in and certainly other jobs out there for humanities graduates. Sometimes I felt like saying "I'm a stripper" just to make things more interesting.
I enjoyed learning about my research topic (at times) but the thought of writing what is, essentially, a book on the topic made me feel rather suicidal. Writing is hard. It was also tiring working on this never-ending, nebulous project which seemed to have few tangible rewards. I felt lonely and misunderstood and oh gosh, just related to far too many of the 100 reasons not to go to grad school discussed on this blog.
This post may seem negative and bitter. But honestly, all I am trying to say is that post-graduate studies were not the right thing for me at this time. I don't think I thought through my entrance into this programme thoroughly and I also feel that my concerns about what else I was going to do (if I didn't go into post-graduate studies) served to over-ride my hesitancy about my suitability for academia.
I am fortunate to have a research supervisor who has been understanding and supportive of my decision to do what is right for me at this time. He certainly acknowledges the difficulties of post-graduate study and that academia is a tough world in which there are many problems.
For now, I am now hoping and praying for a (full-time, living-waged) job. Somewhere. Somehow. For nearly two years I have been living in academic-land and now I need to find a job when I feel I have no real skills (or at least no skills that can easily be demonstrated on a CV). Unfortunately, being able to think and read critically and write are not necessarily skills that recruiters and HR officers recognise as important. And most times, these are the people who get to see your CV first. Forgive me if I sound rather demoralised. It is hard finding a job when you have no experience in a specific field.
This article discusses the psychological impact of deciding to quit your post-graduate studies. It is difficult not to feel a failure. It is difficult not to be concerned about what future employers will think about this unfinished foray into the post-graduate world. It is difficult not to feel that I have wasted my time for years and to have no product for the work I have done during those years. I am hoping these feelings will pass and I am looking forward to having the opportunity to feel a sense of achievement in my work.
